I have been quite busy since I put the blog online exchanging ideas with people about my experience.
I reconnected with some exes. Some of them learned about the sexual abuse through my blog.
Most of the exes want to stay on a positive note about their centre experience and it is a big challenge for them to deal with the sexual abuse testimonies.
Some are in denial and say it's fake. Some turn right away to the "spiritual" approach: there are no victims, we are responsible for our own lives, it is their fault if they went through this.
I know this can be very shocking to people who did not go through the centre experience. But the only way to understand is to try not to judge.
Very few exes, maybe none are able to feel right away the horror of the sexual abuse.
Why is that ?
Because in many aspects the centre life was beautiful. We were in a different world. There is an amazing beauty in devotional spirituality. There is an amazing beauty in the guru/disciple relationship. The Sri Chinmoy disciple experience was in many ways a very beautiful one. I have mostly cut myself off from this beauty. But now that I am starting taking out the pain through this blog, much beauty is coming back.
I had a quite troubling experience a few days ago while I was working on my introduction to Celia's testimony. I was in the depth of the horror of her experience. But still, somewhere, deep in my heart, I could feel there was still some love for Chinmoy. It took me a few days to start sharing about it, because I did not like it at all.
This beauty was there for me too. It was real, my reality of this time.
But I must say that today, I have not much interest in this kind of beauty. It is very de-incarnated. It is amazingly powerful. But I strongly believe it can be found in life, "real" life, connected life, connected to the world and to other people. Not in a de-incarnated fake paradise where the joy, love and peace received in our meditation were making us bear the unbearable.
Hard to believe I guess when one did not have this experience, that one could not feel how horrible the abuse was and stick to the positive about the guru.
It's all about the difficulty of the mental stretch.